I have been listening to these self help disc series called - Your Wish is Your Command. I was really skeptical about the discs in the beginning but they are quite helpful. I haven't been that productive lately and I have had a real malaise. I give all my energy to my Set Decorator life. I give all my energy to crappy TV shows and Telenovellas, low budget movies and TV movies and in the meantime I never get my graphic novel done and a never get as good at drawing and painting as I want.
I take classes at night which I go to exhausted from a 15 hour or more work day. I am tired all night at class and when I finally get a second wind I get home and can't fall asleep. It seems like such a diasterous way to live but it is how I have been living for a long time.
It surely isn't working for me but what I am going to do about it?? How am I going to change. When will I follow my Bliss and give up decorating or atleast take a break from it and give my art a chance?
Will I ever do that or will I die not realizing any of my creative dreams with a least of crappy movies and TV shows under my name when you look me up on IMDB.
I need a mentor. I need a guide to show me how to get out of this one world and into another.
I am sick of being wonderwoman running from work to class and always being exhausted. I want to be creative and full of energy and life. I don't want to be always asleep on the couch exhausted because I have tried to do much but not accomplished anything.
I have to get off the plantation of low budget filmmaking and start realizing my own artistic goals. I have to give myself a chance.
The disc series Your Wish is Your Command - talks about your teachability index: your willingness to learn vs. Your willingness to Change. What are you willing to give up in order to accomplish want you want. I have to ask myself I am willing to stop watching Laker Games in order to learn how to draw? Am I willing to give up making so much money so I can concentrate on being an artist? I can't firmly say yes yet. I am getting closer but I can't really give myself and emphatic yes. But I am going to work on getting my teachability index up. In my heart I know I will never be happy unless I devote myself to my art fulltime. Now I have to decide if I want to be happy or if I get some kind of payoff from suffering.