Core Negative Beliefs About Creativity - The Artist's Way

Question – The author lists various core negative beliefs about creativity. Which are yours?

I can’t be a successful, prolific, creative artist because:

1. Everyone will hate me.
2. I will hurt my friends and family.
3. I will go crazy.
4. I will abandon my friends and family.
5. I can’t spell.
6. I don’t have good enough ideas.
7. It will upset my mother and/or father.
8. I will have to be alone.
9. I will find out I am gay (if straight).
10. I will be struck straight (if gay).
11. I will do bad work and not know it and look like a fool.
12. I will feel too angry.
13. I will never have any real money.
14. I will get self-destructive and drink, drug, or sex myself to death.
15. I will get cancer, AIDS—or a heart attack or the plague.
16. My lover will leave me. 17. I will die.
18. I will feel bad because I don’t deserve to be successful.
19. I will have only one good piece of work in me.
20. It’s too late. If I haven’t become a fully functioning artist yet, I never will.

I think the ones I relate to the most are 13) I will never have enough money and 20) It's  is too late.  I am too old.

PERMISSION TO BE A BEGINNER - ARTIST"S WAY

QUESTION – The author talks about giving yourself permission to be a beginner. Do you grant yourself that permission? 

"Remember, your artist is a child. Find and protect that child. Learning to let yourself create is like learning to walk. The artist child must begin by crawling. Baby steps will follow and there will be falls—yecchy first paintings, beginning films that look like unedited home movies, first poems that would shame a greeting card.

 . . Judging your early artistic efforts is artist abuse. This happens in any number of ways: beginning work is measured against the masterworks of other artists; beginning work is exposed to premature criticism, shown to overly critical friends. In short, the fledgling artist behaves with well-practiced masochism. Masochism is an art form long ago mastered, perfected during the years of self-reproach.

 . .(it is) necessary to go gently and slowly. What we are after here is the healing of old wounds—not the creation of new ones. No high jumping, please! Mistakes are necessary! Stumbles are normal. These are baby steps. Progress, not perfection, is what we should be asking of ourselves. . .Too far, too fast, and we can undo ourselves. Creative recovery is like marathon training. We want to log ten slow miles for every one fast mile. This can go against the ego’s grain. We want to be great—immediately great—but that is not how recovery works. It is an awkward, tentative, even embarrassing process. There will be many times when we won’t look good—to ourselves or anyone else. We need to stop demanding that we do. It is impossible to get better and look good at the same time."

Shadow Artists - The Artist's Way

p. 27 – The author discusses people who abandon their creativity and become “shadow artists.” Can you describe the characteristics of shadow artists? Would you be able to recognize one if you saw these characteristics in a client ? 

":Too intimidated to become artists themselves, very often too low in self-worth to even recognize that they have an artistic dream, these people become shadow artists instead. Artists themselves but ignorant of their true identity, shadow artists are to be found shadowing declared artists. Unable to recognize that they themselves may possess the creativity they so admire, they often date or marry people who actively pursue the art career they themselves secretly long for. . . Artists love other artists. Shadow artists are gravitating to their rightful tribe but cannot yet claim their birthright. Very often audacity, not talent, makes one person an artist and another a shadow artist—hiding in the shadows, afraid to step out and expose the dream to the light, fearful that it will disintegrate to the touch. 

Shadow artists often choose shadow careers—those close to the desired art, even parallel to it, but not the art itself. Noting their venom, François Truffaut contended that critics were themselves blocked directors, as he had been when he was a critic. He may be right. Intended fiction writers often go into newspapering or advertising, where they can use their gift without taking the plunge into their dreamed-of fiction-writing career. Intended artists may become artist managers and derive a great deal of secondary pleasure from serving their dream even at one remove."

I would be able to recognize a shadow artist - they say things like - I wish I were you and - you are so creative - and I could never - when I was young I wanted to do that. 

I would notice is they were an artist manager or an AD or married to an artist. All those things would tip me off to a person being a Shadow Artist.

"It takes a great deal of ego strength to say to a well-meaning but domineering parent or a just plain domineering one, “Wait a minute! I am too an artist!” The dreaded response may come back, “How do you know?” And, of course, the fledgling artist does not know. There is just this dream, this feeling, this urge, this desire. There is seldom any real proof, but the dream lives on. As a rule of thumb, shadow artists judge themselves harshly, beating themselves for years over the fact that they have not acted on their dreams. This cruelty only reinforces their status as shadow artists. Remember, it takes nurturing to make an artist. Shadow artists did not receive sufficient nurturing. They blame themselves for not acting fearlessly anyhow. 
     In a twisted version of Darwinian determinism, we tell ourselves that real artists can survive the most hostile environments and yet find their true calling like homing pigeons. That’s hogwash. Many real artists bear children too early or have too many, are too poor or too far removed culturally or monetarily from artistic opportunity to become the artists they really are. These artists, shadow artists through no fault of their own, hear the distant piping of the dream but are unable to make their way through the cultural maze to find it."

And here is the problem with being a Shadow Artist?

"For all shadow artists, life may be a discontented experience, filled with a sense of missed purpose and unfulfilled promise. They want to write. They want to paint. They want to act, make music, dance ... but they are afraid to take themselves seriously."

What can we do and how can we help them? or ourselves?

"In order to move from the realm of shadows into the light of creativity, shadow artists must learn to take themselves seriously. With gentle, deliberate effort, they must nurture their artist child. Creativity is play, but for shadow artists, learning to allow themselves to play is hard work."

I remember a few times when I felt like a shadow artist.  I was in my early 20s working for the National Theater of the Deaf.  I was a manager of actors and I felt like I too was creative.  I was washing the costumes when I felt like I could equally have designed the costumes.  People reminded me that it wasn't my place, maybe I was too young, maybe I needed to wait my turn.  Any of these things but I didn't feel satisfied.  I, infact , felt jealous and resentful.

I remember having the same experience when I was working as a Shopper-Buyer.  I felt like I had more talent, ideas and energy than my boss.  I looked at her and became more and more angry. One day I wanted to push her down the stairs.  I realized then I needed to either quit and become the boss or go to jail for killing someone.  I decided to quit and that's when I started by career as a Decorator.

Art You Creatively Blocked? - The Artist's Way

Question – The author gives some clues to knowing if you are creatively blocked. Are you? How might you use these with a client

Julia Cameron writes "Many of us wish we were more creative. Many of us sense we are more creative, but unable to effectively tap that creativity. Our dreams elude us. Our lives feel somehow flat. Often, we have great ideas, wonderful dreams, but are unable to actualize them for ourselves. Sometimes we have specific creative longings we would love to be able to fulfill—learning to play the piano, painting, taking an acting class, or writing. Sometimes our goal is more diffuse. We hunger for what might be called creative living—an expanded expanded sense of creativity in our business lives, in sharing with our children, our spouse, our friends. . . . Many of us find that we have squandered our own creative energies by investing disproportionately in the lives, hopes, dreams, and plans of others. Their lives have obscured and detoured our own. As we consolidate a core through our withdrawal process, we becomem ore able to articulate our own boundaries, dreams, and authentic goals. Our personal flexibility increases while our malleability to the whims of others decreases. We experience a heightened sense of autonomy and possibility.. . How do you know if you are creatively blocked? Jealousy is an excellent clue. Are there artists whom you resent? Do you tell yourself, “I could do that, if only...” Do you tell yourself that if only you took your creative potential seriously, you might: 

• Stop telling yourself, “It’s too late.” 
• Stop waiting until you make enough money to do something you’d really love.
• Stop telling yourself, “It’s just my ego” whenever you yearn for a more creative life. 
• Stop telling yourself that dreams don’t matter, that they are only dreams and that you should be more sensible. 
• Stop fearing that your family and friends would think you crazy.
Stop telling yourself that creativity is a luxury and that you should be grateful for what you’ve got.


I find myself to be a very creative power.  My career is creative, my hobbies are creative and my world view is creative. I really feel that I am connected to a waterfall of creativity.

When I worked with clients using yoga, meditation and breathwork I try to see what really turns them on - where is their joy and bliss and that becomes what creativity means to me.  You don't need to have a paint brush to be creative, you can be a singer, a gardner, a comedian, a cook, a scrap booker any of these things.  You can live your life as creativity.  Just be open to trying.

I think it is important we take responsibility for our own creative and not let other people control it.  I see this a lot with actors.  Make your own pieces! Find other ways to get that creative feeling.  Don't stop being creative just because you aren't cast.

“Leap and the net will appear.” Julia Cameron

Julia Cameron writes "As you work with the tools in this book, as you undertake the weekly tasks, many changes will be set in motion. Chief among these changes will be the triggering of synchronicity: we change and the universe furthers and expands that change. I have an irreverent shorthand for this that I keep taped to my writing desk: “Leap, and the net will appear.” It is my experience both as an artist and as a teacher that when we move out on faith into the act of creation, the universe is able to advance. It is a little like opening the gate at the top of a field irrigation system. Once we remove the blocks,"

I do agree that if you leap the net will appear when you come from a place of integrity and authenticity.  I don't believe whatever you do you are protected and it will work out.  But I do believe when you are aligned with your higher purpose everything will work out as it should and that has happened to me many times.

.

Being A Suffering Artist - The Artist Way

Question -- The author talks about being a suffering artist. Have you experienced this? What might you say to a client who seems to be a suffering artist? 

I have bought into the idea you have to suffer to be an artist: Van Gogh not selling and cutting off his ear.  But right now I am not in that space.  I want to do well.  I want to succeed.  I want to travel and have friends and do what I want and have fun.

I would tell a client they don't have to suffer to be an artist  Making art can be a extremely creative beautiful experience leading to our wholeness and fulfillment. Let as celebrate with art!  Let's use the art to connect with our True Nature and the Divine. Let's use art and creativity as a spiritual experience one of ecstatic union.

"Creativity is an experience—to my eye, a spiritual experience. It does not matter which way you think of it: creativity leading to spirituality or spirituality leading to creativity. In fact, I do not make a distinction between the two. In the face of such experience, the whole question of belief is rendered obsolete. As Carl Jung answered the question of belief late in his life, “I don’t believe; I know.”

Cameron, Julia. The Artist's Way (Kindle Locations 346-347). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. 

Artist's Way - The Great Creator

Question  – The author presents the concept of the Great Creator. What is your view of this concept? Would you be willing to discuss this with a client?  

Julia Cameron writes in The Artist' Way" about the Great Creator:

"While using, teaching, and sharing tools I have found, devised, divined, and been handed, I have seen blocks dissolved and lives transformed by the simple process of engaging the Great Creator in discovering and recovering our creative powers. “The Great Creator? 

That sounds like some Native American god. That sounds too Christian, too New Age, too...” Stupid? Simple-minded? Threatening? ... I know. Think of it as an exercise in open-mindedness. Just think, “Okay, Great Creator, whatever that is,” and keep reading. Allow yourself to experiment with the idea there might be a Great Creator and you might get some kind of use from it in freeing your own creativity. Because The Artist’s Way is, in essence, a spiritual path, initiated and practiced through creativity, this book uses the word God. This may be volatile for some of you—conjuring old, unworkable, unpleasant, or simply unbelievable ideas about God as you were raised to understand “him.” Please be open-minded."

I believe in a higher power.  I don't think he is a white man in the sky with a beard but I do think the universe has a Life Force or Qi or Prana.  I believe in the Divine.  I often see this as the Mother.  Ma. Kali is very important to me right now but other times she has been Matangi, Saraswati or Tara.  I have done a lot of work with the moon goddesses, the lunar nityas and I believe there is an divine energy in the earth, sun and stars.  This divinity can also be found in us. Sometimes I call it Source.  I find the goddess a way to connect to the aspects of myself. My true nature or true self.

I would be able to discuss this with a client if I felt they were open to it.  But I don't think I would push it on them.  I was raised by atheists. So I know there is sensitivity about religion.  But if there was an opening I would ask people to look for the Divine or Source and I would say they can find that inside themselves, they don't need to look outside.  Sometimes it is hard to live life without the Divine because we found ourselves alone and often purposeless and lonely.

Julia Cameron Writes:

"Remind yourself that to succeed in this course, no god concept is necessary. In fact, many of our commonly held god concepts get in the way. Do not allow semantics to become one more block for you. When the word God is used in these pages, you may substitute the thought good orderly direction or flow. What we are talking about is a creative energy. God is useful shorthand for many of us, but so is Goddess, Mind, Universe, Source, and Higher Power.... The point is not what you name it. The point is that you try using it. For many of us, thinking of it as a form of spiritual electricity has been a very useful jumping-off place. . . Do not call it God unless that is comfortable for you. There seems to be no need to name it unless that name is a useful shorthand for what you experience. Do not pretend to believe when you do not. If you remain forever an atheist, agnostic—so be it. You will still be able to experience an altered life through working with these principles."

Chakra Series - Yoga Nidra for Self-Esteem - Solar Plexus Chakra - Manipura

INTERNALIZATION

Prepare for the practice of yoga nidra by lying on your back in Savasana.  If Savasana is not appropriate . . .

Close your eyes and take a deep breath in and on the exhale think mentally CONFIDENCE

Place your hands on your solar plexus and feel the warmth radiating from your center.

Say to yourself mentally “I am practicing Yoga Nidra”

Say to yourself mentally “I will stay awake for Yoga Nidra

From below, sense the stillness of the earth at the base of your spine, and the movement and fluidity of the water in your abdomen. The earth and water energy coalesce, rising up, turning into a warming fire in your solar plexus.

Your solar plexus is glowing and expanding with its vibrant, yellow light.

This fire keeps you warm, helps you burn food, and gives you energy.

Visualize a mid day sun.  Imagine its rays shining on you giving you visions, ideas, and confidence

The 3rd Chakra is your center, the seat of your personal power.

It is here that you become your own person – an individual ready to leave your own unique impression on the world.

It is here where you integrate your feelings, ideas, thoughts and intelligence, where you exercise your willpower and take actions, where you turn challenges into opportunities, and turn your visions and dreams into reality.

In the past, you may have turned your power over to someone else so you could be accepted and loved.

Or perhaps you sought out power over others in order to feel respected and admired.

Right now you are in touch with your true power.

Honor and respect yourself and your power

Take complete responsibility for your words and actions.

No longer need approval from others.

No longer need to have power over others.

Know that true power doesn’t  shout or cry.

True power is quiet, firm, steady, and effortless.

Know who you are, why you are here, and what you are here to do.

Being yourself is a powerful act

Do what feels necessary

Do what feels right.

Stand up for yourself.

Act with confidence and inner conviction.

Create things that are beautiful and meaningful

Make the world a better place

Summon you inner fire that dwells in the abdomen.

Use your personal power to give you courage, discipline, strength, patience and perseverance to walk confidently in the direction of your dreams

Perhaps taking baby steps, one at a time, to fulfill your purpose in life.  Perhaps walking at whatever speed feels appropriate

Feel the warm fire radiating from your solar plexus, penetrating into every cell of your being.

Watch the fire burning away any doubt, shame, guilt, insecurities and jealousies that were lodged there.

Watch the fire leaving behind strength, confidence and belief in yourself.

Slowly, the fire is winding down. But its warmth stays at your center.

Feel it every time you put your hands on your solar plexus.

Ignite it anytime you need to

Come back to the breath

Notice the rise and fall of the breath at the abdomen

Listen in all directions for sounds

Listen for sounds  (continue as normal . . .)


SANKALPA
(Do normal introduction to Sankalpa)

I am confident and courageous

BODY ROTATION
(Do normal body rotation but with Yellow Healing Sun Light touching each part of the body)

BREATH AWARENESS
(use normal dialogue)
Breath at the Abdomen/Solar Plexus
Counting from 18 to 0

MANTRA WORK
Work with the mantra RAM

OPPOSITES
Remember a time in you life when you felt CONFIDENT

Recollect an experience of confidence. It can be physical or mental confidence.  Everyone has had a moment where the feel confidence.  Remember the feeling of confidence. Feel the confidence. Make it as clear as possible.. Deep your awareness to the feeling of confidence,  Continue to concentrate on the feeling of confidence

Remember a time in your life that you felt INSECURE.  Try to experience the feeling of insecurity.

Concentrate and remember feeling insecure.  Recall that insecurity and try to develop it . . .

Go back to Confidence

Go back to Insecurity

Now feel both confident and insecure at the same time

Let go of confidence and let go of insecurity and come back to the breath

VISUALIZATION

Self-esteem is how people value themselves. Low self-esteem can hold people back from being the best they can be. In consistently reaffirming yourself to be worthy, capable, and competent over time, you gradually build positive self-esteem.

Bring your awareness to the chiddakasha, the mind space in front of the closed eyes.  Notice in colors, patterns or imagery there.

Now you are going to travel into your past.  Retraving the steps of your memory and consciousness backwards from this time.  The past is part of time and time is part of your mind.  By remembering your past you are going into the deeper recesses of your consciousness.

Think of a time you were really, really confident. Imagine every detail, as if you were looking through your own eyes. See, hear and feel those great feelings.

Think of a specific situation in relation to your confidence. For example, if you’d like more confidence in a social situation, imagine yourself there. See it as if it was a movie, seeing yourself laughing and talking easily and effortlessly with others.

Think of someone you know who is really confident. Vividly imagine how their posture looks, how they carry themselves, how they walk and talk, how loud they speak, how they sit, how they greet people. Imagine  yourself into consciously training your body to act in the same way.
Imagine yourself standing with confidence, walking with confidence, speaking confidently.

2nd Visualization

Visualize a bright yellow chakra spinning between the navel and the base of the sternum, like a radiant internal sun

Imagine this internal sun nourishing your digestive organs by soaking them with yellow, energizing light just like the external sun nourishes all life on earth.

Connect the two outside suns with your internal sun at the Solar Plexus.

Connect the two suns energies through the crown of your head

Visualize the energy transfer between the two making your chakra spin faster.

Meditate on this 'exchange of fire' and feel a sense of benevolent power and confidence

Let go of the visualization practice

Like go on the chiddakasha

And come back to the breath

Feel the warmth of the breath

SANKALPA

In the breath hear the Sankalpa

The same one you used in the beginning of practice

Or come back to the statement “I am confident and courageous”
. . .
EXTERNALIZATION

Come back to the solar plexus

Place the hands on the solar plexus on top of the navel

Feel the warmth radiating from your center.

From below, sense the stillness of the earth at the base of your spine, and the movement and fluidity of the water in your abdomen.

Feel the earth and water energy coalesce, rising up, turning into a warming fire in your solar plexus.

Listen for the sound Ram

Listen for the sound of the heart beat

Listen for the sound of the breath

Listen for sounds in the room , . . .

Listen for sounds outside of the room

Listen for the farthest sound that you can hear

Come back to the breath

Take deep belly breaths with awareness of the solar plexus

Inhaling deeply and exhaling fully

Say to yourself “the practice of yoga nidra is now complete”

(Close as normal)

NAMASTE

Creativity Coaching - Lesson 14

I want to explore all the different aspects mentioned by Eric Maisel in this week’s lesson.

Private Clients

- This is something that I want to develop but I haven’t so far.  People have approached me but I haven’t done much with the opportunities.

Workshops

I taught a number of workshops this year. Some were very successful and some not as successful.

Art/Yoga Fusion – Gratitude Yantra for Thanksgiving

New Years Day Intention Yoga  (this was highly successful)

Be Your Own Valentine Restorative Chakra Yoga (this was highly successful)

Art/Yoga Fusion – Heart Mandala for Self Esteem

4 Quadrant Goal Setting Mandala

8 week Discovering Your Life Purpose Program

40 Days to Transformation Program

Monthly New Moon Goddess Women’s Circle (the attendance on this monthly workshop has gone up and down)

Art/Yoga Fusion – Dream Exploration

1 month Artist’s Way

Starting August 1 – 8 week Chakra Series

Articles:

I have been writing on my blog but haven’t published anything.  I want to work on that.

Support Group:

I like the idea of a continuing support group for creativity.  I have been hosting a bi-monthly People of Color Yoga and Meditation Group.

Talks:

I have only talked in my workshops.

A Self Created Product

I would like to do that.  I am especially interested in making oracle cards.

A Book Published or Self Published

- I would like to write a book on the symbolism and archetypes of animals in Yin Yoga

Will I maintain an office

- I have the yoga studio with a small room for privates so having a space is not a problem. I would like to have some skype sessions.

How will you advertise

- I have a lot of meet-up groups that’s the main way I have advertised so far.  I need to have a website. I bought an domain name but haven’t done anything with it.  I know I need to tweet more and do more on facebook.  I tried a newspaper ad but it seemed worthless.  I did do some postcards when I started.  I would like to do a monthly newsletter.

Charging

- I have problems charging for private sessions.  I feel more comfortable charging at the yoga studio.

Who are my clients so far 

My ideal client is: #2 and #7.  I have to find them by having more of a presence on social media and by word of mouth.

1) Self-identified creative and performing artists have taken my workshops
2) People who sometimes create and but who are not careerists also have come to my workshops
3)  I haven’t tapped into the people like “creativity for lawyers” or other professional market for my art/yoga fusion workshops.  I have had some of the people in New Moon Goddess Women’s Circle and Life Purpose
4) People with a large dream were in the Exploring Life Purpose series
5) Active professionals – I haven’t attracted many of these
6) People interested in creativity as a concept – I haven’t tapped into these
7) People who can be helped through the use of the creative arts – These are the people I am most interested in but I don’t think I really have found them.

What in a creativity coach’s pitch would attract you and cause you to think about becoming a client

- Referral from someone I trust
- Aligned with my world view and interests in art, yoga and meditation
- Proven results
- Caring attitude
- Feels like someone I can trust
- Seems legitimate because of written articles, professional worksplace, website

MY BUSINESS PLAN

- Become certified as a Yoga  Therapist and Creativity Coach.  Become an ERYT 500 Yoga Teacher so I can offer continuing education credits and lead Yoga Teacher Trainings.
- Develop a presence online – online courses on Udemy or another platform, website, twitter, Instagram. - Trademark Nyasa Yoga Nidra and develop an online training
- Continue giving workshops at the Yogi Tree moving toward some teacher trainings.
- Publish some articles and continue writing on my blog
- Develop some products like oracle cards
- Write Yin Yoga Book and the symbolize and animal energy

Creativity Coaching - Lesson 13 -

If you feel that you want a career in your art discipline, describe what an acceptable career would look like:

1) Finishing the first chapter of my graphic novel, Hymn of the Pearl, and publishing it as a comic
2) Having 6 to 12 students in most classes at the Yogi Tree
3) Teaching Art/Yoga Fusion workshops at the Yogi Tree every other month
4) Consistently making my sacred art (Mandala, Yantras, etc.)
5) Producing online courses in Yin Yoga and Yoga Nidra
6) Having teacher trainings at The Yogi Tree
7) Becoming a creativity coach and a yoga therapist that has clients
8) Having a consistent following in my yoga classes
9) Continuing to develop as an artist and yogini with a consistent practice
10) Healing myself and others

If you feel that you want a career in your art discipline, describe what an excellent career would look like:

An excellent career in my art/yoga fusion career would look like:
1) Having my studio, The Yogi Tree, thrive (meaning 6 to 12 people in every class) with sold out workshops, teacher trainings and great teachers.
2) Teaching Art/Yoga Fusion nationally and internationally
3) Showing my sacred art in galleries and museums
4) Publishing my graphic novel – “The Hymn of the Pearl” which is a journey toward enlightenment with critical acclaim.
5) Having a couple on line courses that give me passive income: Taoist Yin Yoga, Nyasa Yoga Nidra to start with
6) Writing a Book on the Symbolism of Animals and the Elements in Yin Yoga
7) Making oracle cards having to do with Yin Yoga and other Goddess materials
8) Drawing, painting and doing yoga at least 5 days a week
9) Teaching private sessions in Creativity, Yoga and Meditation
10) Continuing to develop my yoga practice
11) Continuing to develop my meditation practice
12) Continuing to develop as an artist
13) Having the ability to live anywhere in the world I want
14) Healing others and myself

Creativity Coaching - Lesson 12 - Doubt

This was the self-coaching question this week I chose in Eric Maisel's Creativity Coaching Training Program:

Is it possible to never doubt yourself?  If not, what does that imply?

“The worst enemy of creativity is self-doubt,” Sylvia Plath 

I don't see how it could be possible for me not to NEVER doubt myself.  But I think I can doubt myself less. I am very good at doubting but I am thinking now about how to  trust intuition more and feelings instead of all the reasons I am not good enough and being overcome with doubt.

I feel vulnerable and insecure about being an artist and I have an incredible amount of doubt.  My doubt can be paralyzing.  I know I need to re-frame the doubt.

The thought "I am not good enough" perhaps can become :

"I am exploring"
"I am discovering my voice"
"I need to work on some tangible things that I am weak at."

One example is that I am having a hard time drawing shoes in my costume drawing class.  I am finding the task difficult every week.  I would like to take some time tomorrow and look online and in my art books about how to draw shoes.  I would like to do some master copies of shoes and see how people like Gibson dealt with shoes. Taking the time to address my weakness and figure out solutions to my drawings problems one by one I believe would help me build my confidence and alleviate some doubt.

Instead of "I am not good enough" I would like to say, this "xyz is not working right now, what can I do to fix it" or "what small tangible thing can I bring attention to."

Creativity Coaching - Lesson 11

1. Ask for something you want.

I want the discipline and the time to work on my creative projects.

2. How do anger, envy, disappointment, and similar feeling color the way you communicate.

Anger makes my communication harsh and irrational. When I get angry I start to shake and my genetic tremor becomes with large.   Finally, I become upset with myself for losing my cool and becoming angry and then I start to punish myself with thoughts about lack of self worth. In the end my self esteem becomes very low.

Envy makes me small minded and sullen and my communication becomes inauthentic. Envy also brings out the martyr in me. I question why someone got something I didn't.  Then I go through a laundry lost of all my faults and become depressed.

Disappointment makes me sad and isolated and leads to lack of communication with me just wanting to hide myself or roll up in a ball. Disappointment can lead to depression. It can also stifle my voice and make me not want to try anymore.  When I get disappointed I lose my clarity and lose track of my intentions and larger goals. 

Creativity Coach Training - Negative Self Talk

2.  Try to notice your self-talk this week.  Write down any self-statements that you find interesting, perplexing, particularly negative, etc.  You don't have to "do" anything with them, just become better aware of them.


I had a very challenging week at work.  On Friday night I got to look at an empty loft space in downtown Los Angeles that I was to make into an art studio for Thursday filming.  The director and producers were adamant that the place look like an artist/professor of painting had lived there for 30 years.  They were also insistent that it look like one artist had made all the paintings.   This artist was supposed to mainly paint his college female students. In addition, there were very specific paintings mentioned in the script: a fat black woman, a hairy man with a large penis, and two paintings that when one was turned upside down looked like the yin yang symbol.

 I wasn't sure how I was going to pull off this enormous task. I didn't panic but I knew it was going to take a lot of work and I also had about ten other sets to dress for different characters before Thursday (a bar, a 2nd grade classroom, a school hallway, a boy's room, a single mom's house, etc. ).  I started to remember artists that I knew and began making calls as we were driving to the next locations to scout for filming.

I worked all weekend for free to find the art and furniture.  I found the perfect artist who had lots of painting who charged a decent price because I also had to function within a small budget.  I decorated all the other sets on the schedule too and by Wednesday afternoon I was completely exhausted.

On Thursday,  when I opened the set.  My expectation was lots of compliments.  That set (I believed) looked fantastic.  But when the director walked in, all that was on her mind, was specific paintings she now wanted, that were never discussed as being needed.  In all the meetings I had attended there were only 4 hero paintings.  Now she wanted miraculously every painting that was mentioned in the dialogue (which before she didn't need to see).  She also wanted to see a bedroom and kitchen dressed, which before she told me when would never see. So I scrambled, moved things around, and got very angry.  My thoughts were, thoughts I have many times:

I hate being a set decorator.

I hate this career why am I still doing after 20 years?

I hate the film and television industry the people in it are cruel and sadistic.

Why did I give up my whole weekend and work for free when I could have been working on my own art or even just relaxing?

Why am I not making a living as an artist?

I can't handle all this stress.

I am terrible under pressure.

I am terrible under stress.

Why do I let these assholes get to me?

Why did I think anyone would be pleased?

Why am I expecting compliments?

Why do I need to be affirmed?

Why did I get attached to this product when I know to stay detached?

Why did I believe the director when she said she wouldn't see the bedroom or the kitchen when experience tells me not trust anything said in the meetings?

Why did I take on finding the scripted paintings when in fact that is job of the prop master.  And now I was wild goose chasing and being blamed for being helpful and a team player?  Why did I not just say that it's not my job.

Why do I focus on the negative?  The producers, cinematographer writers and production design thought the set was marvelous.  Why do I need to dwell on the crazy maker director?

Creativity Coaching - Lesson 5 - How to better join with yourself to support your creative efforts an creative life?

I think what would help me better join with myself to support my creative efforts and creative life?

a) Journaling

I feel more centered and joined with myself when I journal.  I consider answering these questions as part of my journaling process.  I liked the idea the person in your example did with having a separate journal for inner critic. That is something I may play with.

b) Doing Yoga

I get a lot of my most creative ideas in savasana at the end of yoga.  My stress level inhibits my creativity and yoga is one of the biggest destressors I know.

c) Meditating Consistently

When I meditate consistently I really change. I am more positive.  I feel better and my creativity as it a higher level.  I also hear less negative criticizing self talk.

Creativity Coaching Question Week 4 - How can you “put that (my negative childhood) behind you”

It is hard to let go of the negative aspects of my childhood.  I sometimes hold on to them very tight as if I enjoy the misery and/or find it as a convenient excuse for not doing something well or not following through on things. 

My mother always did a million things coming home exhausted and spread too thin.  I learned later she did this because she didn’t like being home and was afraid if she were home she would get depressed.  I find myself just like my mother constantly in motion without true priorities.

Both my parents had many demons and I spent a lot of time raising myself.  I think they both did what they could as parents but didn’t really know how to be parents themselves. My father spent much of his child in an orphanage, my mother’s father said he was getting a pack of cigarettes and never came back. Both my parents were raised by single mothers who were mentally ill. My parents also struggled with an interracial relationship in a time when it was not acceptable.

My parents were very much against me being an artist and I was thrown out of the house for awhile until we made amends. I ended up not following through on my dream to be an artist because I wasn't able to stand on my own two feet without their approval and dropped out of art school and moved back home and studied to be an architect which the found much more acceptable. Later, I studied to be a Set Designer, one step closer to being an artist than an architect but still not what I truly wanted.

I, like many women, was molested by a friend of the family at a young age and later raped by a person I thought was my friend.  These early traumas have been things I have been dealing with for the past 30 + years.

But what can I do to put all that behind me?

1) Attempt to not see myself as marginal because of being biracial combination of black and Jewish. See myself as worthy as everyone else.  Embrace my unique background as a place where my personal story, drive and creativity comes from.

2) Know that I need to stand up for myself and not try to avoid any confrontation because it reminds me of the turbulent arguments I saw as a child.  Realize taking a stand for myself and what I believe in is fine.

3) Boost my self-confidence and self-esteem move beyond my little girl thinking I don’t fit it anywhere.

4) Let go of never being good enough and be grateful for what is working in my life.

5) Be ok with staying still sometimes and nesting and self-nurturing.  Realize that ideas need to incubate. Not live my mother’s story of constantly moving to avoid depression but create my own based on what is happening in my own life.

6) Realize it is GREAT to be an artist even if my parents didn't approve 30 years ago.  My father has been dead since 2005 and my mother has changed a lot from the mother I grew up with.  I need to live for me not shadows and experiences of long ago.